Amanda and Kelly review: 50 Shades of Snow White by Sami Summers

50 Shades of Snow White by Sami Summers
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Synopsis: (Goodreads)

Snow White was an innocent Princess whose virginity was to be auctioned off to the richest or most desperate prince until she decided to take matters into her own hands.

Escaping to the Fornicating Forest, Snow meets seven short sisters who decide to help the princess find her worth. An interlude with a horny huntsman teaches her one lesson until she finally finds her Prince.

Our Thoughts:
Amanda: Well. That was a book.

Kelly: You didn't like it? You didn't like how Snow White wanted to be groped in the castle halls by naughty footmen? You didn't like that the seven dwarfs were seven hairy women dwarfs? (I still think that the plural of "dwarf" should be dwarves, btw. Dwarfs just seems so wrong.)

Amanda: I honestly couldn't decide whether the book was horrifying or hilarious. I mean, you have Heinrich the prince who likes to get his snake slurped (he doesn't like when his Latin tutor gives him a blow job because he uses his teeth, FYI). And the dwarfs have sex position books and anatomically correct dolls (they also have beards and are bosomy). And Snow originally tries to get herself off by rubbing herself with a stick (this is right before the Huntsman spots Snow's naked ass and decides the two of them need some happy anal sex in the Fornicating Forest).

Kelly: Yes. YES. How can you not think this is hilarious? She tried to get herself off USING A STICK! Heinrich got many royal blowjobs, did he not? But he learned something in the end! He learned that not everyone likes to polish his knob. They were just doing it so that he wouldn't have them beheaded. Heh. Beheaded. Maybe that's what the Latin tutor was trying to hint at with the teeth.

Amanda: Can we just settle on horrifyingly hilarious? Because that's pretty much what it was. I mean, Snow put out a fire by sitting on the dwarf (the dwarf was on fire, for those who didn't know), then spent most of the book wandering around with her ass hanging out. I think the lesson of this book is that if you walk around with your ass hanging out, you open yourself up to anal sex with horny huntsmen. Also, let's talk about the "Sir Justin Beiberback" and "Sir Justin Bringsexyback." I'm pretty sure the author was plugging (not to be confused with the OTHER plugs) another one of her books.

Kelly: Very well. Horrifyingly hilarious, it is! Or possibly hilariously horrifying? Anyway. I did check to see what else is out there by this author and... I got nothing. It did seem like a plug (*ahem* Not the type Snow White seems to enjoy, mind you) but I couldn't tell you what book was being referenced. What were we talking about again? Surprise anal sex with a horny huntsman? Without any lube? Didn't the huntsman dream of being a baker? And having a plump wife who had a perpetual yeast infection? Eww. I just grossed myself out typing that.

Amanda: I think hilariously horrifying. Because I was mostly horrified. There was also mention of a pre-nup toward the end, and Snow and Heinrich commented that no one would be reading that far into the book anyway. So... I don't know what that even means. And yes, the huntsman dreamed of a wife with a perpetual yeast infection. I believe he was so turned on by that fantasy he could come without having to stroke himself once. See? I stand by my horrifying assessment.

Kelly: I could have been worse. Somehow. I'm sure. Like, the seven dwarf sisters could have debauched Snow White in every way. Or... the huntsman could have ... uhh... I'm sorry. I can't think of anything else.

Amanda: Thanks. Now I'm imagining all the creepy things the bearded sisters could do to Snow White.

Kelly: You're welcome, beebs. YOU'RE WELCOME! Beards and bosoms. Nothing say dwarf love like a bosomy beard ride.

Amanda: *shudders*

50 Shades of Snow White was a free Kindle download we picked up on 09/15/12.