Saturday, September 15, 2012

Amanda and Kelly review: Fifty Shades of Rapunzel 1 by Mia Abbey

Fifty Shades of Rapunzel 1 by Mia Abbey
Synopsis (Amazon):
The Fifty Shades of Grey of the Fairytale world….

From birth, Rapunzel has been promised as a bride to the seven troll kings of the netherworld. When handsome Prince Snow ventures into the tower where Rapunzel is kept captive, she begs him to prepare her for the demands of the trolls on her wedding night.

That's where the trouble starts. Having had a taste of the outside world (and a taste of Prince Snow…), the nubile twenty-one-year-old agrees to escape with the prince into the forest.
Now the seven muscle-bound troll kings are pursuing Rapunzel, and they mean to punish her for running away from them. And between them and the sexy Prince Snow, Rapunzel is growing hot and flustered....
Our Thoughts:
Amanda: So, I had a feeling this would be a good one when the opening scene is Rapunzel sitting naked because "there was no need for clothing."

Kelly: I was a little disturbed that she wore her hair wrapped around her body like clothing. Or did I just imagine that? Sounds unsanitary.

Amanda: Speaking of unsanitary, Prince Snow (who, as we later learn, seems to be the male version of Snow White) doesn't even let Rapunzel clean herself up after he gives her a rousing lesson of what sex is. Just slam, bam, we must take our leave now, ma'am.

Kelly: I know, right? And she's riding the deer (!!!) and getting all turned on. Lol! That poor deer probably had to scrub itself down for a week after those two finished.

Amanda: I'm not really sure, though. After Prince Snow jumped on the deer's back and spoke sweet, sweet words into its ear in order to tame it, I think the deer may have enjoyed the ride with Rapunzel, too.

Kelly: Everybody enjoys a ride with Prince Snow. The woodcutter (I'll show you how to handle wood, boy!), the deer, Rapunzel. Snow gets around.

Amanda: You can't forget about the scullery maids, too. Didn't one of them grab Prince Snow in order to have their dirty way with him? But Snow isn't really the only one who gets around. I mean, look at Rapunzel. She's got seven troll kings.

Kelly: Seven troll kings who take muscular strides. Hubba-hubba! They do things in sevens! What's the correct term for a seven-some? No, wait. I forgot about Rapunzel. There'll be eight of them rolling around on that giant bed. That's a lot of parts!

Amanda: Speaking of parts, I want to backtrack to Snow's parts. Or, part. When he meets Rapunzel for the first time and she asks him to show her what will happen on her wedding night, he's all like, "No, I don't think that's a good idea," but his cock contradicts (heh. contradicts) him by popping out of his pants, not once, but multiple times. And she's all, "Oooo." Anyway. Back to the trolls. Yes. They do everything in sevens. Seven penises! Good thing Rapunzel doesn't have a penis phobia, eh? And what would an eight-some be? (Octo-some? Also, I want to make a tentacle sex joke here.)

Kelly: Do you think the lady trolls have seven teats? That would be... odd. Hey, remember when the woodcutter looked upon Snow's chiseled buttocks? Good times. Good times.

Amanda: Yes. Odd because there are seven. I liked Snow's chiseled buttocks. Who doesn't love chiseled buttocks? Oh! And another one of my favorite parts was when Snow was explaining to Rapunzel how sex works and he says that plug A goes into slot B. I kept imagining Snow putting together furniture or something. "After plug A goes into slot B, the nob above slot B needs a little jiggle for the best possible fit."

Kelly: HA! Yes. I love it! You know that I'm morally opposed to reading books that have the phrase "Fifty Shades of..." in the title, but Snow's jutting cock, chiseled buttocks, and the seven hairy troll kings made up for it.

Amanda: Yes. But, you know, it's too bad we never got to see the consummation of the relationship between Rapunzel and the seven hairy trolls.

Kelly: I think that's in book 2. So, you know, you can totally look forward to that. Seven hairy boners for seven hairy trolls. You're welcome for that visual!

Amanda: How much would you like to bet that the troll kings have very LARGE hairy boners?

Kelly: I will bet nothing. I'm that certain it's true!

Fifty Shades of Rapunzel 1 was a free Kindle download we picked up on 09/10/12.


  1. PLEASE read the next 2 books! Check out these quotes from GR.

    "the lure of the well-endowed troll kings proves too much."

    "She hopes to learn sword skills with the bandits:"

    "met a delicious faery king who calls himself the master pollinator"

    There is awesomeness to be found there!

    1. Ha! So far, we're only reading freebies. If they pop up free, we'll read them!

  2. I love how everything either comes down to tentacle sex, or penis phobias.

    And 7 hairy trolls? Sounds hot.

    Uh, not.

    1. Well, Kristilyn, it came down to seven hairy trolls or no sex at all, so, really, there's not much choice there. One must simply have teh sex, seven hairy trolls and all.

    2. Penis phobias are very heartbreaking. No one wants a penis phobia!

  3. I have no words. None. I'm spluttering here. Was there a lot of romping through the forest on deer? Did those poor trolls ever get their bride? And just how chiseled *are* Snow's ass cheeks?

    1. To answer your questions: There was plenty of romping (and one interlude upon the deer), the claiming of the bride did not happen in this book, and Snow's chiseled buttocks were powerful enough to change the woodsman's mind about killing him. RAWR!